The 3rd darkest screenplay ever

Hansel and Gretel starts, “At the edge of a great forest, there once lived a poor woodcutter with his wife and two children.” Obviously, this is the sugar-coated fairy tale version. The house should be a small wooden cottage in a dark forest. The trees should be huge; while the setting cannot be so specific as to name a place one should think wonder what part of the Black Forest this is supposed to be in. It should also be completely isolated. As the father is a woodcutter, there should be plenty of crude, sharp, terrifying tools lying around as a motif.

There is a small cast. Brother Hansel and sister Gretel, close in years, a father, and possibly a stepmother. The stepmother role, which commentary points out was a much more common part of life, makes for an easy explanation as to why the mother is willing to abandon the children. I think one important addition is a bird, probably Hansel’s pet.

I don’t see much need for a specific instance (a famine) to cause the parents to abandon Hansel and Gretel. Since the movie is supposed to highlight the fear, ignorance, and need for storytelling in the real world at the time, stressing how hard life is should be good enough. Since the house is in the forest, the land for crops would only be what they cleared and supplemented with game from the forest. In such a harsh world and dealing with a stepmother, it would make sense for Gretel to get upset at something and convince Hansel to run away with her; only by quick thinking does he mark the trail so when they decide to return home they are able to. The second time they run away, Hansel only uses breadcrumbs which are eaten by forest animals.

After wandering in the forest lost for a while Hansel’s bird leads them to another cottage. An old woman lives alone; she is not a witch, but she is mean. She lets them stay with her but forces them to work for her and abuses them verbally and physically. The old woman eats well, mocking the children. After a month or so after some display of extreme brutality, probably threatening to kill them with some terrifying sharpened antique, Gretel yells back and forces the woman to impale herself accidentally. They take her money and Hansel’s bird leads them home. The movie ends there; it does not display a happy ending.

Stories are an important escape from realism in this dark, bleak world. One is told in the forest when Hansel and Gretel are lost, and at least one more is told while at the old woman’s cottage. I think the rose-tree should be told verbatim; it obviously contains themes similar to Hansel and Gretel to be grouped together and also incorporates the unsavory theme of cannibalism. I also think a story incorporating ogres and outwitting them by switching headgear with the ogre’s own children while they sleep is important because it brings up ideas of magical creatures and intelligence in children.

Song of the blog: “Zombie,” by The Cranberries.